A year ago my health took a big crisis and life turned upside down.
It’s exhausting to play the guessing game, trying to discover what works and what doesn’t. It’s exhausting trying to get the results and not seeing them, or getting some and loosing them. It’s exhausting to spend extreme amounts of money on hope after hope and yet have no change.
What if I told you that there were thousands of people hiding away from the world? I’ve been one, ive been there, and I know it is real.
I’ve missed a lot of brunch dates, movies, heart warming dinners, fun friends shenanigans, birthday parties and bby showers. Spent Thanksgiving Day alone. I didn’t have enough energy to even shop for cards…
There’s just so much more that ppl don’t see.
When you feel chronically ill, every day becomes a challenge. There are better days of course, but most days there’s a feeling of a misery. You no longer experience joy in your daily activities, socializing becomes hard as most of the time it feels like you’re so alone, like no one have been in those shoes before and ppl just don’t have the capacity to understand.
Friends and colleagues say you look good. And It’s easy to state, it’s easy to be a health expert and suggest what works for you and what’s not when you’re not feeling chronically ill.
This was the time when I became less social, more self conscious, not only on how I looked, but how I felt. I was so awkward and ashamed to let someone know I was sick again. But if I would, the majority would give me advice, mention what I was doing wrong, judge for not seeing a proper specialist, or say it was all in my head, instead of compassion and support I could really use back then.
Except of making me disconnect from everyone around and setting my boundaries strong, this made me reevaluate on how I was treating ppl. How I was always thinking I know so much, and I could suggest some things to someone who’s ill or struggles with something ( as I thought simple ) in life. Instead I started to be more empathetic, compassionate. I learned how to truly listen to someone and hold space, rather than bringing out my most likely unwanted full scope of experience and knowledge as a suggestion.
The more I was sick the closer I was to my real self.
I won’t say it was easy, but something beautiful started to happen. Instead of being frustrated of being sick, I learned to honor my body and give myself enough time to rest/recover. Who knows me, knows it was never my thing, and I always put everything and everyone on top of myself and my personal needs. I admitted that I am not ok, and probably won’t be in the nearest future, but one day I will.
For the first time in my life, I really truly am real with myself. All the masks and play pretends are gone and no longer have a place in my life. I am real, I am accepting all my imperfections and more, today I think it’s cool, beautiful and actually perfect. I grew very strong boundaries, with friends, boyfriends, clients, even parents. I am my own priority, and it’s not selfish, it is healthy. I made peace with my food, I nurture my body with delicious and beautiful food ( no longer suffer from being restricted, otherwise I think it’s a blessing)
My energy is good in every way, mind is clear, and I’m mostly symptom free.
I love, appreciate and honor myself and my body.
Conclusion is obvious. Not all that seems bad, really is. There’s always a silver lining, and things like this never happen to you, they really happen for you!
Appreciate and love yourself the way you are. Always. Be real, be true, and take best care. Sometimes you need to disconnect from everyone around, but that’s your only way to really find yourself.
with love, K.
